Another night at 1509 D is creeping along and I find myself sitting on my love seat, laptop in place, watching some quality television. In fact, I just saw a commercial advertising another season of the long-running MTV series; The Real World, which happens to be taking place in Las Vegas. I have to give props to MTV for keeping the same old song and dance buzzing for the past twenty years. I believe its success is in part due to the fact that everyone wants to watch others mingle under the microscope and relate to those seven or eight strangers in some way. Pair that with the shenanigans of big city life and you have a recipe for some entertaining, organized chaos.
The basic plot to a season of the Real World goes as follows: Some people meet two at a time with seemingly very different backgrounds, bum a ride to a ridiculously cool house where they encounter a more diverse population, congregate in a hot tub while sharing life experiences, consume WAYYY too much alcohol, start to get annoyed with one another’s habits, call people out on those habits, have a few loud verbal disagreements, discuss and work through the differences, figure out the group is more alike than once thought, and finally share some tears and hugs as everyone leaves one at a time. Oh, there’s always a gay person, a deep south conservative, and some skank (guy or girl) who made the uneducated decision to remain in a relationship only to end up cheating. And a future side note to said skank: whenever you tell your partner about the incident, take the tears somewhere else because we all knew what was going to happen.
Even though we know the basic plot we come back and watch because there are so many different quirks about the characters that are so interesting. And we get rewarded by watching these people (maybe) mature and grow in front of our eyes. That’s the return on our time investment. We have a couple people we root for and a few we want to throw through some drywall. All things considered, we get a little back.
The same, unfortunately, cannot be said about shows like Monster Quest or Ghost Hunters; the proverbial Ponzi schemes of cable television. A Ponzi scheme is a scam that promises a high return on investments by unwitting individuals. Now, the investors get a high return back on their initial investment so they wind up giving more money to the “organization” in hopes of an even bigger return. Then, after some time, the masterminds take the money and run. That’s what we innocent viewers are subjected to when we tune in for an episode of one of the aforementioned shows.
Each time an advertisement of either pops up, our ears perk up and we relinquish all attention. Gunshots and high pitched screams mere feet from our front door couldn’t disengage us as we salivate at the promise of the most recent photo of Bigfoot or some paranormal footage acquired by hard-nosed investigative work.
When eight o’clock rolls around we flip the lights off to set the mood, turn the television to the History Channel, and settle in with some popcorn. IT’S SHOWTIME!!! Fifteen minutes pass with an introduction, and a little background on whatever topic is to be addressed. This is forgiven since we usually need some basic knowledge to set us up for the good stuff! After all, they PROMISED some awesome footage after the break. Another fifteen minutes pass and still nothing. Just some old black and white photos of a guy in a gorilla suit, possibly some driftwood posing as Nessie, or white splotches a.k.a orbs floating around on night vision camera.
So far a half-hour goes by and we have no hard evidence of what we really tuned in to see. Well, I guess that’s OK. We still have a half hour to see something crazy! Another thirty minutes filled with failed attempts at catching anything remotely interesting on camera passes. Have no fear! We can surely rely on some testimony from some attention-starved elderly people or awkward rednecks with blurred Polaroids. “Has this really happened? I can’t believe it! They tricked me again!”
An hour has gone by and just like at the end of a Golden Corral buffet, we feel fat (thanks to popcorn and a few unnecessary trips to the refrigerator) as well as ashamed for wasting an hour on such unrewarding programming. At least with the Real World we know what to expect. A small return on a small investment. Those History Channel guys are good though. Every single time they promise never before seen footage of ghostly activity or some legendary creature only few claim to have seen. We invest an astonishing amount of excitement and time on something that doesn’t deliver what it promises.
Don’t fret History Channel executives; you haven’t lost any of your audience. As soon as you come up with a different title, hire a fresh faced host with an accent, and market the bajesus out of the new and improved program, we’ll be back on the couch with our bowl of popcorn and the same eager look in our eyes. We’ll be there watching, waiting, and hoping that one day you’ll give us more than peanuts for our time. Until next time. Happy viewing and God bless.
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