Fool Me... More Than Once

Another night at 1509 D is creeping along and I find myself sitting on my love seat, laptop in place, watching some quality television. In fact, I just saw a commercial advertising another season of the long-running MTV series; The Real World, which happens to be taking place in Las Vegas. I have to give props to MTV for keeping the same old song and dance buzzing for the past twenty years. I believe its success is in part due to the fact that everyone wants to watch others mingle under the microscope and relate to those seven or eight strangers in some way. Pair that with the shenanigans of big city life and you have a recipe for some entertaining, organized chaos.

The basic plot to a season of the Real World goes as follows: Some people meet two at a time with seemingly very different backgrounds, bum a ride to a ridiculously cool house where they encounter a more diverse population, congregate in a hot tub while sharing life experiences, consume WAYYY too much alcohol, start to get annoyed with one another’s habits, call people out on those habits, have a few loud verbal disagreements, discuss and work through the differences, figure out the group is more alike than once thought, and finally share some tears and hugs as everyone leaves one at a time. Oh, there’s always a gay person, a deep south conservative, and some skank (guy or girl) who made the uneducated decision to remain in a relationship only to end up cheating. And a future side note to said skank: whenever you tell your partner about the incident, take the tears somewhere else because we all knew what was going to happen.

Even though we know the basic plot we come back and watch because there are so many different quirks about the characters that are so interesting. And we get rewarded by watching these people (maybe) mature and grow in front of our eyes. That’s the return on our time investment. We have a couple people we root for and a few we want to throw through some drywall. All things considered, we get a little back.

The same, unfortunately, cannot be said about shows like Monster Quest or Ghost Hunters; the proverbial Ponzi schemes of cable television. A Ponzi scheme is a scam that promises a high return on investments by unwitting individuals. Now, the investors get a high return back on their initial investment so they wind up giving more money to the “organization” in hopes of an even bigger return. Then, after some time, the masterminds take the money and run. That’s what we innocent viewers are subjected to when we tune in for an episode of one of the aforementioned shows.

Each time an advertisement of either pops up, our ears perk up and we relinquish all attention. Gunshots and high pitched screams mere feet from our front door couldn’t disengage us as we salivate at the promise of the most recent photo of Bigfoot or some paranormal footage acquired by hard-nosed investigative work.

When eight o’clock rolls around we flip the lights off to set the mood, turn the television to the History Channel, and settle in with some popcorn. IT’S SHOWTIME!!! Fifteen minutes pass with an introduction, and a little background on whatever topic is to be addressed. This is forgiven since we usually need some basic knowledge to set us up for the good stuff! After all, they PROMISED some awesome footage after the break. Another fifteen minutes pass and still nothing. Just some old black and white photos of a guy in a gorilla suit, possibly some driftwood posing as Nessie, or white splotches a.k.a orbs floating around on night vision camera.

So far a half-hour goes by and we have no hard evidence of what we really tuned in to see. Well, I guess that’s OK. We still have a half hour to see something crazy! Another thirty minutes filled with failed attempts at catching anything remotely interesting on camera passes. Have no fear! We can surely rely on some testimony from some attention-starved elderly people or awkward rednecks with blurred Polaroids. “Has this really happened? I can’t believe it! They tricked me again!”

An hour has gone by and just like at the end of a Golden Corral buffet, we feel fat (thanks to popcorn and a few unnecessary trips to the refrigerator) as well as ashamed for wasting an hour on such unrewarding programming. At least with the Real World we know what to expect. A small return on a small investment. Those History Channel guys are good though. Every single time they promise never before seen footage of ghostly activity or some legendary creature only few claim to have seen. We invest an astonishing amount of excitement and time on something that doesn’t deliver what it promises.

Don’t fret History Channel executives; you haven’t lost any of your audience. As soon as you come up with a different title, hire a fresh faced host with an accent, and market the bajesus out of the new and improved program, we’ll be back on the couch with our bowl of popcorn and the same eager look in our eyes. We’ll be there watching, waiting, and hoping that one day you’ll give us more than peanuts for our time. Until next time. Happy viewing and God bless.

Saddle Up, its 2011!

Happy (late) New Year and drop that horoscope, it’s time for a change! If you’ve been paying attention to Yahoo! news feeds or other informational sources for that matter, then it’s no surprise that your Zodiac sign may have changed. Now when this little missile hit the media, message boards lit up and people in the United States had a complete idea shift and went crazy. Some folks paid no attention whereas others called in sick to work so they could bang their head against a wall while grunting loudly. I guess it’s hard for me to get on board with the idea of horoscopes but I will admit it’s entertaining.

It was only a couple of weeks ago that we woke up to the year 2011 with a clean slate; a fresh outlook on life and the determination to make the New Year our proverbial female dog. It didn’t take long for those astrologer types to roll out horoscopes and like a bunch of starving beggars waiting outside of a bakery at four in the morning, we westerners gobbled them up. The entire concept of horoscopes and astrology is fascinating. Apparently thousands of years ago, zodiac signs were based on the location of the sun in relation to certain constellations. Because of the moon’s gravitational pull, the earth shifted on its axis which resulted in a one month change in the alignment of stars. This led to the proposition of moving the star signs back a month and introducing a new sign: Ophiuchus. There are so many different types of astrology and by only reading a small amount it all became a very convoluted, mind-numbing adventure. With that being said, I just stuck with the basic idea that there had been a shift in the earth’s axis causing a new zodiac sign to be entered into the horoscope club.

I got a taste of my horoscope a couple of weeks ago when I read that the Leo (born between July 23^rd and August 22^nd) would have a successful financial year. Hey hey, look at me! Then a few days ago I read another saying that it would be a year of struggle. What? Whoa now, you can’t just take that back. Then I discovered under the “new” horoscope umbrella, I’m a Cancer. So I go from a mane-sporting, zebra-assassinating Lion with a thunderous roar to a beach dwelling crustacean that could unknowingly be a victim of some vacationer’s misstep. What gives moon?! Pulling the earth around on its axis; you should be ashamed. And to top it off, I don’t even know the luck or misfortune the year is going to bring me. On top of that top-off, there’s another kick in the pants on the way. In the personality realm I’m basically going from a CEO of a major corporation to a 7^th grade girl.

Well guys, I have no idea what to do now. My entire scope of reality and sense of security has been soaked with rain, trampled on, kicked around by some unruly five year old after being put in his mouth, and thrown into a New York City gutter. I guess the only thing I have left to do after shivering in a corner for three days is express my anger on Facebook, Twitter and to whoever else wants to lend an ear. I hope the over-the-top sarcasm has helped you all see that I’m not serious about my horoscope situation. Although I don’t in any way associate myself or life experiences with some astrological sign, I do see some potential in checking my horoscope every now and then.

Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re extremely negative but they just might serve as an inspiration. For example, if I find myself reading one of my two possible horoscopes and see that it says “It's a great day for planning and brainstorming strategic ideas. Even if you're on your own this time, you will still be able to beat the opposition with your sharp thinking and clever ideas.” I might start thinking of kooky ideas and come up with something great not because my horoscope said it would happen but because I took the initiative to do so. Or if it says something negative such as “March-July will be a financially troubling period for you” I’ll rebut by saying “No it’s not you crazy horoscope, I’m determined to make dat money!” My point is that horoscopes can be looked at in such a way to serve as some sort of motivating factor even if you don’t believe in or follow them to a T.

I think that behind the mystique of horoscopes lies a bunch of self-fulfilling statements. If a person chooses to accept an astrological sign as an indicator of how life will play out then they read horoscopes. In doing so they bring personality traits that are present in all people to the surface of their own in turn making them dominant. Not all of them are bad characteristics and could definitely lead to an abundance of success but it isn’t because some stargazing nerds said so. People make their way in life based on choices and a little, or in some cases, a lot of luck. So whether you read horoscopes with serious intent and the focus of a dog chasing a squirrel or purely for their entertainment value, (enter Tony Robbins statement) there’s always a possibility of absorbing and practicing positive ideas. I hope everyone has a great year because we’re just getting started. Until next time. God Bless.